Dog and Cat Jokes and Funnies

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Cat Jokes

Canine Quotations

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- - - Edward Abbet

The dog was created especially for children. He is the god of frolic.
- - - Henry Ward Beecher "Proverbs from Plymouth Pulpit"

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
- - - Robert Benchley

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.
- - - Josh Billings

The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.
- - - Samuel Butler

On the green banks of Shannon, when Sheelah was nigh,
No blithe Irish lad was so happy as I;
No harp like my own could so cheerily play,
And wherever I went was my poor dog Tray.
- - - Thomas Campbell "The Harper"

Every dog has his day.
- - - Miguel de Cervantes

What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- - - Dwight D. Eisenhower

The dog is mentioned in the Bible eighteen times -- the cat not even once.
- - - W. E. Farbstein

The silent dog is the first to bite.
- - - German Proverb

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, "What's in it for me?"
- - - Lewis Grizzard

In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn't merely try to train him to be semihuman. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog.
- - - Edward Hoagland "Dogs and the Tug of Life"

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.
- - - Aldous Huxley

Pet a dog where he can't scratch and he'll always be your friend.
- - - Orville Mars

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- - - Groucho Marx

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as a dog does.
- - - Christopher Morley

Dogs display reluctance and wrath
If you try to give them a bath
They bury bones in hideaways
And half the time they trot sideaways.
- - - Ogden Nash

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
- - - Ogden Nash

Thus every dog at last will have his day -
He who this morning smiled, at night may sorrow;
The grub today's a butterfly tomorrow.
- - - Peter Pindar

I am his Highness' dog at Kew;
Pray tell me, sir, whose dog are you?
- - - Alexander Pope

It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?
- - - Eleanor H. Porter "Pollyanna" 1912

The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs.
- - - Jeanne-Marie Roland

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.
- - - Andy Rooney

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- - - Andy Rooney

Thou callest me a dog before thou hast cause.
But since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
- - - William Shakespeare "The Merchant of Venice"

That indefatigable and unsavory engine of pollution, the dog.
- - - John Sparrow

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
- - - August Strindberg

The dog has seldom been successful in pulling man up to its level of sagacity, but man has frequently dragged a dog down to his.
- - - James Thurber

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- - - Harry S Truman

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man.
- - - Mark Twain

My little old dog:
A heart-beat at my feet.
- - - Edith Wharton

Bark: This is a sound made by dogs when excited. Dogs bark at milkmen, postmen, yourself, visitors to the house and other dogs; some of them bark at nothing. For some reason dogs tend not to bark at burglars, bailiffs and income tax collectors, at whom they way their tails in the most friendly manner.
- - - Geoffrey Williams